there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
