Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize