I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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