just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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