My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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