I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
