If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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