Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
