oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Holy sore nipples Batman
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
