The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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