You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
