come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
