Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
