Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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