clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
