this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
