some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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