Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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