I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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