A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
