i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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