Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
