he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
