you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
