He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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