i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
