I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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