Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
