The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
