I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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