An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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