Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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