My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Panties = found
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize