My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize