As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
