Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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