I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
