i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
