Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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