I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
