Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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