I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
