OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
