You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
