i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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