I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
