I heard we made out
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
