He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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