If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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