Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
