My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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