Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
