Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He felt like a one man threesome
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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