he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
