M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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