My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
