i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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