I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize