Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
