Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
