Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
