I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Someone came in the potted fern
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
