if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
