If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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