I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
