He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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