I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
